Joey Barton: Charismatic AND Good-Looking

Ah, Joey Barton, what can be said about a ‘man’ with such a stark lack of redeemable qualities? Having failed at being a manager, he has since plumbed ever deepening depths in his tragic quest to stay relevant. Not content with simply embarrassing himself in court, on twitter, and in his everyday interactions, Barton has decided to continue this trend by popping up on whatever pathetic excuse for a podcast is willing to sully their name in an undignified attempt to generate likes and clicks. 

Appearing on the Absolute Football Banter podcast (yes, that really is the name), Joey Barton punched down (thankfully, not literally this time) at one of his favourite targets: women in football. Having very recently been found guilty in a court of law for harassing and bullying two women, it seems that Joey has learnt absolutely nothing. But then again, he is a fucking idiot.

On the clip in question, everyone’s least favourite tiresome gobshite derided women footballers as ‘not proper women’, ‘man-heads’, and ‘lesbos’, before labelling another as a ‘fucking piglet’ to a chorus of sniggers from his fellow ‘banter’ merchants. We all know what Barton’s like, and the sort of people who he is associated with, so hearing him humiliate himself, and the other goons, in this way wasn’t exactly surprising. It's the sort of shtick that will, unfortunately, go down well with a certain breed of roundabout-painting, mouth-breathers, though.

Of course, Barton’s opinions are as pathetic as he is, but his justification was genuinely hilarious, and offered an insight to his warped mind. Speaking with a humility in keeping with his little Brent-esque goatee, Barton, a man seemingly without mirrors, proclaimed that not only was he good-looking, but also charismatic. Good-looking and charismatic. Joey Barton. Even written down, it’s a sentence I struggle to make sense of. 

How a man with about as much charm as roadkill, with the looks and personality not even a mother could love (this would actually explain a lot), can come to the conclusion that he is not only good-looking, but charismatic as well, I’ll never know. He seems to have made the classic error of confusing charisma with being a yobbish, loudmouth prick. As for the good-looking part, fuck knows how he’s arrived at that conclusion, but it looks like self-awareness and humility can be added to the very long list of Joey Barton’s personal deficiencies. 

I can still remember a time when Barton was lauded as some sort of footballing intellectual, all because he managed to memorise a couple Nietzsche quotes and listened to The Smiths. Absolutely laughable. Anyway, fuck him; he’ll continue frog-marching around, stepping on rakes, before eventually becoming so toxic that even the lowest social media bottom feeders won’t want anything to do with him. Well............we can hope so, anyway.